Click click boom

That sounds like how I work. I click click and then get bored and it's boom. Happens too often.

In other news, homemade facials are an interesting concept. Who knew all I needed was honey, sugar and lime juice? I've made the mixture, but the final demo is in progress and the results are pending. Questions of "what, where do I put this? How long for? Is it supposed to be this drippy?" take over my time for now. I have a very interesting life. You bet.

So the past two months have been spent in hibernation. Literally. Okay not totally but almost. The idea of spending time at home with Netflix and a box of Nutella is so much more exciting than a night painting the town red, or green, or blue..or..yellow..

Why, you ask? Maybe because right now, I don't know what I want from life. That's a big confession there. But it can't be any truer. Everyday I ask myself, what do I really want? What motivates me beyond my own control to get up and move?

I have a lot already. But the never ending search of human desires that are not in our current possession drive the great to become greater.

No matter how long I spend pondering over the question of what I'm searching for, I don't seem to come up with an answer that's up to my perfectionist standards. Is it wrong to want, and I kid you not, everything! from life?

Money, time, love, purpose, affection, travel, some more love..in no order of preference..just a want for it all, at the same time..

And maybe that's where it's all stemming from. That lack of being able to figure out - how can I have everything I want? And is everything really what I want?

There's a predictable plan that's been laid out for me. The one that stays on the path of no risks. The conventional way of doing things. But what ELSE can be done? What more is there?

Lol I should do a count for the number of question marks on this post. The answers lay hidden away, and in the meantime my jar of Nutella beckons. 

Goodbye, or should I say goodbye?

Omg cliff hangers

They are so annoying. Why Veronica Mars, why? Why must you not let me sleep every night?

Ah who am I kidding, Veronica Mars or not I wouldn't be sleeping before 2 most nights. Ah the troubled mind of a young working professional *eye roll*

So in the haze of permanent indecisiveness, today tried to be productive. I worked towards my MBA applications and chalked out a better plan. Tomorrow I need to have a really important conversation. One that could change the course of the next few years :)

Anywhooo, I cooked a really cool version of a mushroom garlic tomato and spring onion egg white omelette with a layer of whole spinach leaves through it. Yum yum. And then for dessert - home made Reese's piece! Half an English muffin toasted with a layer of crunchy peanut butter and another layer of Nutella. Thanks to all that layering (note: so much better contextualized for food as opposed to for clothing) I sleep with a content stomach tonight (almost typed contempt there, that sure wouldn't make sense).

I'm going to be starting a hunt. A vicious cold blooded hunt. For what? For a goddamn pair of shampoo and conditioner that makes my hair behave! >.< 

Cool fact: right now I'm using my iPhone to dictate everything I'm saying and surprisingly it's actually working but I'm just talking and the words are just appearing on my screen. This is so cool except there were so many mistakes in what appeared right after I said it was so cool that this sentence is now being typed out and the rest has been deleted. Haha. #iPhoneFails

Also these yummy bell apples I bought from Iqbal foods (local store in Toronto which has all these desi products) turned out to be rotten :( but they were packaged so well I didn't notice as I bought them. One survived. And it was devoured. I will be going back for another conscious but not cold blooded hunt. What? My stomach needs the warm-bloodedness!

And contrary to popular belief cold-bloodedness doesn't really mean your blood is cold it just means that your tendency to adapt to the temperature is limited and what warm-bloodedness actually means is that as the temperature around you gets warm, so do you. Classic homeostasis and better adaptability.

That's all the science for today folks, later!

Nothing feels as good as random

-ly following through with a random thought.

I could finally stand in my balcony without getting buried in snow. I could see all of Toronto laid out in front of me, wee hours of 1:34 AM, covered in droplets of rain, a temperature that didn't send shivers down my spine and coughs through my chest - and it happened.

There is magic in being the only one awake. And there is magic in the hope of seasons changing. But most of all, there is magic in having something to look forward to.

And so the moment had to be commemorated - weapon of choice? Bubbles! Yeah you heard me. 

I was the loony toon making bubbles for half an hour on my balcony in the middle of the night. Heehee, my neighbours are going to feel..let's say..what's the word I'm looking for? Yeah. Soapy on their premises. And as long as no one can trace it back to me (blog stay anonymous!), I won't be getting sued for people slipping around and breaking their wrists, cuz yknow, I'd like to be hopeful that if they're breaking something it's not as major as their spine, unlesssss they deserve it. Whaat? Karma's a bitch okay? Yeah I'm done, *say no more you!*

Anywho after hot chocolate with bits of marshmallows, hearty eating, the final episode of season 1 of Veronica Mars (omg they find the killer - it's totally unexpected, and so scanduh-lus!), pink sweatshirts that turn soggy in the light rainy mist outside, having to look up how to make bubble water, ignoring GMAT like nobodies business and a happy piece of melon juicy fruit gum, I call it a night.

Yes, *refers to it* 'night!

The forest has been fired!

Which forest you ask? The forest on my brows. Yes, I finally got my eyebrows done. It's been the highlight of my week. No, wait, that's not true. The highlight of my week is kind of a tie between 1) discovering a garlic shampoo, buying it and then using it 2) making kickass steak aaaand 3) discovering an amazing song from the new show I've been watching (Veronica Mars) called Dragonfly by M. Craft. Have a listen, very soothing with a great guitar instrumental.

YES garlic shampoo exists. It's insane. I expected to open it up and be the bane of everyone's olafactory senses however it actually smells really nice, well at least the one made by Vatika Shampoo does.

Things I've learnt so far from Veronica Mars:

Being resourceful takes having "people" and recognizing their abilities 

Spying is fun

Stalking is not fun

Thin line between good and bad

Truth is interpretive

Incest is bad

Rich kids in the 90s weren't as outrageous as rich kids now

Fashion really has evolved and thank god

Chrome cast can be quite a bitch from time to time

Aaaaaaand being perfect is only possible in fictional shows

Tada! Cheerio. Later!

 

Two kinds of people in the world

..is a lie!

Everything has shades of grey, everything!

And people change. The entire term "persona" didn't enter the English vocabulary just by itself - it means people change.

Man, if the whole world could ever get categorized into two kinds of people who just stay the same all through, you're looking at a whole bunch of upset English literarians who wasted years on studying Hamlet.

Which is why judging yourself, and holding grudges against other people is a futile exercise. Everyone changes. Everyone is always changing. Your openness to accepting change - in others and in yourself - will decide how happy you are. And holding on to the past is a bag of misery. Cherish it, don't let it pull you down. 

I am not the person I used to be, I am better, and I will continue to become better - nice first words to lay the foundation of humanity.

Ah these words of wisdom! Snake's skin y'all, snake's skin. 

Exeunt.

Mark me down as skeptical

Words are words, thoughts are thoughts, intentions are intentions, but actions? They're everything.

Those spell out the thoughts of an idealist. If only everything had the same jive! Sometimes no matter what is done, actions need to be looked at not in isolation but in context. Sometimes hands can be tied, and sometimes, words need to make up for it. Because sometimes, ideal is actually having faith in  all of the above.

A life of constant simulation

It's always about the next big thing. The next place to get a temporary high from, the next thing to do, the next reward, and all of this wanted in timespans much shorter than before. As the world gets smaller our appreciation for travel, reading, going out, work and play slowly diminishes as the novelty dies out. I would almost describe it as a glass ceiling to how much you can truly enjoy something. 

Almost like a trap that I've fallen into as well. We all need something to look forward to, right now, I just don't know what mine is.

Maybe if I find what makes me happy in the moment, I can extend it to mean much more than just a moment.

Until then, it's wait, deliberate, and sit with the problem till the solution makes itself so apparent I won't be able to help but smile :) yep, the thought's almost Einstein inspired..

If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions. - Albert Einstein 

I think I should quit

There are so many thoughts running through my head of what I want to do.

• Business school.
• Run away and travel write.
• Explore the world on my own terms.
• Transfer to another location through the company I'm with right now.
• Canadian citizenship.
• Business school in Europe.
• Write, write, write!
• Read! I've stopped reading.
• Go and work with my dad.
• Start my own entrepreneurial venture.
• Do more volunteer work than I currently am.

What am I becoming? The quarter life crisis is true! It exists and it's so strong. Bloody hell and it's hitting me before I even touchdown quarter life.

Kill me now. I need to reassess my life, ahhhh!

Klunk

Aaaaand it's Friday morning, 9:31 AM, I am at work and no one is here yet, wowza!

So in continuation of my list:

I need to make a list of all the things I do not like about the corporate structure. Here we go:

1. Restrictive work hours
2. No space for emotions
3. Self-promotion
4. Need for networking
5. Everything is about mutual benefit - what about just doing for others?
6. A lot of times work is just created for the sake of creating work
7. Pushing for standards does not exist

(At this point there were distractions, well that's ironic cuz technically being on this blogpost was the distraction to begin with - but essentially I was distracted from this distraction by what I was originally supposed to be doing. And now it's Monday morning and I'm on my way to work.)

Let's continue shall we:

1. Restrictive work hours
2. No space for emotions
3. Self-promotion
4. (Excessive) need for networking
5. Everything is about mutual benefit - what about just doing for others?
6. A lot of times work is just created for the sake of creating work
7. Pushing for standards does not exist
8. People get limited into "roles"
9. Everything has to be through a formal system
10. Making things more complicated than they are so as to provide job security

It just feels like the corporate structure is built on fear, as opposed to belief in opportunity. Such a capitalist dilemma.

Okay bye!

I bite my nails

Eugh. Another day another dime, and some days a dollar. Who created this corporate phenomenon of roboting away in an office? Such drudgery. But then, we all hope for better in the future. Oh, the future. This strange concept of self-preservation keeps us on constant alert about preparing for the future. Remember that story we all heard when we were growing up? The one about the ant vs. the grasshopper? The ant slaves away to get its food all set up while the grasshopper has a mad, MAD time all summer, but when winter comes - boom! Grasshopper's chill sessions backfire. Yeah. That story. That annoying story that brings you back to the perspective that life can't be no work, all play. So I work. So that I can play. And boy, will I play!

At least it's still consulting and not a government job. Phew.

Oo. Resume updates - I need to make them. Haha, it's like describing taking a crap as "efficient and optimally processing nourishment". All resumes. That's exactly what they do. What did you do at work? Ohhhh you managed? What did you manage? A multi-processing software that required extensive analysis and formulae? Basically you worked on excel, yeah shut it A-hole. Since when did blowing your own trumpet become important?

I need to make a list of all the things I do not like about the corporate structure. Here we go:

1. Restrictive work hours
2. No space for emotions
3. Self-promotion
4. Need for networking
5. Everything is about mutual benefit - what about just doing for others?
6. A lot of times work is just created for the sake of creating work

This is going to be further updated very soon - I'm not done with you, no I'm not! I need some hot water to clean up my extremely blocked up digestive system :(

Be back soon,

A.

Sleeeeepy

Ed Sheeran's pretty good. For real. For once pop music has some real talent. And he's so young! Where do you come from boy? I've had him on play every night as I go to sleep. Great companion for bed, puts me right to sleep. Pun? Where? What pun?

Work is so funny. I haven't slept okay for then past few nights so even though it's 8 PM I'm grandma-ing it tonight (minus the loosie whities), it's sleepytime for me wayyy before the usual 1 o clock. 

Also my hair is nice and oiled (oxymoron?), there is a towel protecting the gooeyness from spreading all over my gorgeous new pillow covers and sheets (refer, previous blog), and I have brushed my teeth after a wayyyyyy early dinner. I even drank warm water. 

Someone check my goddamn temperature. Who am I? What have I become? Nyooooooo. (Although the fact that I'm postponing sleepy time by typing random crap means I'm alright.)

So today at work I decided to Lorelai Gilmore my outfit. What does that mean? It means I decided to take inspiration in what I wear from her. And what does that mean? It means my obsession is moving from the show to real life. That's not a bad thing, as long as I don't go on a vehement hunt for Stars Hollow, I think my crazy shall be in check. BUT what if I want to find Stars Hollow? No Ankita stop it. But I wanna! No, Ankita, you can't! But--- No! It doesn't exist!

Conversation with myself before tucking myself in? Check.

Gnite fair people. Live long and prosper (Nimoy, Spock on.)

Hi.

It's been more than a year since I've written. Aaaaaand ladies and gentlemen, we've long since established this trend. Let's get over the "she hasn't written in a while stuff", it is what it is.

The usual making up for lost time update: been in Toronto for almost 3 years, been to India three times since I've been here including the last time which was this December for 2 months (yeah long break mainly cuz of my best friends wedding, family time, grandparents and wanting to spend time with certain special people, did they deserve it? I don't know!), been in consulting for more than 2 years, worked on a variety of projects, met all kinds of people (many who I have come to love and many who I'd have a thing or two to say about) thinking of MBA soon (GMAT..GMAT?! GMAT!!! Aaahh!), got an upcoming family business (fingers crossed reaaaal tight), and have still not lost sight of wanting to do NGO work although I wish there was more of this going on in my life. I'd just like to believe that everything I'm doing right now will make me do better for myself, and therefore the good I want to do in the world.

Guess what brought me here this time? I was going through a few files and papers I have lying around in my room (I have new sheets, they're purrrty, and they add life to the previous black and white, classy, retro print thing I had going on), and I found a CD labeled with my name in my dad's extremely boxy handwriting (yes boxy handwriting, you have to see it to know what I mean, it's like no other handwriting I've ever seen in my life).

So I open up this CD, put it into my laptop and start watching. I saw baby videos of myself for the first time. It was amazing. No, I'm not being immodest, I was not impressed by myself as a baby (although I was keeyooot), moreover my thoughts just went a long way back to when I had the safety of parents coo-ing and loving all around me. Every drip and drop of their voices throughout the video of baby me reminded me of the comforts of home, of being surrounded by love. It made me come back here and write to relieve a lot of the pent up thought in the way I know best. Write.

Living by yourself in a country you are still not able to accept 100% as yours takes a lot to do. I've been here since June of 2012 and if anything, it's been a whirlwind, and it's been testing in many times, but it's also been fruitful (especially considering I have now discovered fruits I did not remotely think of trying before - dragonfruit, which looks nothing like a dragon, mammoth sizes strawberries and white nectarines, which oh my GOD are the perfect mix between apples and peaches - perfectly crunchy and sweet).

I like having the confidence that living in a city by myself gives me. Yeah, you can't touch this! *insert cool and self confident mixed with a touch of self deprecation face* Lol, it's nice to own your own life, financials and all that jazz. But HOME. Yknow that fuzzy feeling of just knowing where you belong? Yeah, not quite kicked in. And don't even get me started on love. There's the home love, and then there's the romantic love. Things can sometimes feel even more twisted when you throw that into the mix. I always used to think, no wayyyy am I going to let love get in the way of things I wanna do with my life, but who knew it had a mind of its own? Who knew! Hah, Ankita got jumped.

Oo, have I mentioned I've been tripping on watching Gilmore Girls? I luuuurv the show, and I'm sure if the show was a person it would tell me it loves me RIGHT back! There's so much in it I can relate to, which is I'm sure something all girls say, but I'd like to believe the parallels for me are more :P

Also, house of cards has released! But I'd rather wait and savor watching it instead of binge watching and ruining it for myself.

Ooooooo and also, I'm obsessed with the game Words Against Friends. So many funziiiies. Lol, it's basically scrabble. Just funner cuz I can take my own sweet time and cheat by looking up wordfind.com mwahaha (shh don't tell anyone, and if you happen to be someone I'm playing with then, ermm don't believe the above lines, they were only put there so that I could sound all badass, I'm really lying - I can't cheat to save my life, O THE GUILT, I could. not. take. IT!)

What else can I put down here? Have I mentioned my complete lack of pushing myself to study for GMAT? Have I? Well here it goes: no matter what I do, I just cannot get myself to sit down at that goddamn desk in my room (which by the way I took from my roommate's room and moved all the way to mine after moving the bed and making space for it - yes so much effort for nothing) and study for GMAT.

I'd love to travel through my MBA. Go to a whole other city. I've done Toronto, I've seen as much of it as I can. I want to go to a totally different city and conquer it on my terms - again. But sometimes, there might be other things on the line that keep you waiting (yes this is where I go purposely obscure about what I'm talking about :P), but I hope it's worth the wait. Stay tuned for more on what I'm waiting for.

While I start to say gbye (yeah saying bye isn't a nice feeling, no wonder auntyjis and unclejis at Indian weddings prolong their goodbyes for aaaages, literally it needs strategic planning almost to the point of size of the event x number of people you know x 5 minutes each + 20 minutes buffer time to try to plan to get out of a place), I will let you guys know that I have taken it upon myself to sleep with a total of around 12 GMAT books, and 10 GMAT booklets in the hope that even though I ignore the desk, somehow all of that information and logical analysis will seep right through the sheets and into my head as I sleep. Sleeping with the enemy? Sleeping with the fish? Nuh uhhhhh, she sleeps with them books.

Okay, BYE!