Wednesday, January 11, 2017

How to Convince Someone to Not Bathe

First things first: don't.

But for those of you who are as bored as me, and are in search for a mindlessly self-indulgent and mildly sadistic (yet not illegal) activity, trying to convince someone to not bathe makes the cut.

Step 1: Test the waters. Prove to them that you do it too. It takes a shit tonne of courage to admit to someone that sometimes, when the weather is cold AF and you're lazy AF (basically all the time), its okay to skip the daily ritual. Why do we do this? It's the age old concept of reciprocity - when you admit to something, someone else is more like to do the same.

Step 2: Appeal to their inner environmentalist. IMAGINE the water you'd be saving. Stats suggest that convincing 25,000 people to not bathe = 1 million gallons of water saved. That's an Olympic pool size water savings right there. Think of all the happy creatures splashing about it the Pacific Ocean thanking your existence.

Step 3: Point out the $ savings. Skipping a shower = buying yourself that trinket left half-assedly in your Amazon cart. ("Should I buy it? Do I really need it? Ughh maybe after that bonus.") TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE. Stop waiting for that bonus. Skip a damn shower.

Step 4: It's cold out there. Winter months are hard. Give in to the devil voice on your shoulder. Do the right thing.

Step 5: Point out the time savings. Remember all that laundry piling up in your bathroom? Remember the pending lightbulb that needs to be replaced? That slightly loose hook you needed to fix? Now. You. Can.

Step 5: Pause & reflect on why you know such a relentless, unconvincable (isn't that a word? why is the red underline showing up?) human being.

Step 6: Bring out the big guns. Skip a shower to let your pheromones shine. Change the forever alone nature of the meme of your life. Don't wash away your natural scent. Embrace it and find yourself love like no other. Don't believe me? Well you should. I looked up

Step 7: Watch in glee as your friends don't shower. Demand pictures and other forms of documentation to prove it. Share it with the world. Laugh maniacally with your hands up to the sky.

Step 8: Take an A4 size paper, make a crown and a big star on it.

Step 9: Present it to yourself and proceed to paste it on your head.

Congratulations - you're a certified bather-skipper-convincing-person-thing.