But there's way too much that has happened to truly get into so maybe I will simply start with no updates and get into pure feels.
My 10 month old sleeps next to me, one of her few nights of co-sleeping away from her crib. Her tiny feet are kicking into the left side of my ribs. I like it.
As I lay here, tossing and turning trying to get a wink of sleep, I felt the urge to express my emotions - the pen has been a trusty friend and maybe today she will give me the same sense of release she has before.
1. Fatigue - a natural bi-product of mom life while trying to juggle regular day to day life
2. Anxiety for the future - maybe because I'm setting standards too high & thinking about return to work and the gaps in my capabilities creeping in - after all, time is passing and that means I am getting rusty
3. In love - goes without saying, she gives me so much joy that no other goals seem to matter as much - acutely aware of also not becoming an overzealous, dependent mom with no identity of her own
4. Dutybound - realising the sense of responsibility I hold, her entire future is in my hands - can I steer her to finding herself and her true potential? Am I worthy of being this beautiful girl child's mom?
5. Disconnected - from my husband and from the life I've lived in Toronto so far. I am in Gurgaon for my mat leave - the physical distance and having her has imaginably changed so much.
6. Apathetic - I feel randomly numb towards things, like a switch inside me is guiding me to look at things more clinically - less emotionally. This is strange and new as I have never operated that way - I've mostly let emotions guide me (sometimes they have led me astray in the sense of falling prey to quick emotional reactions but mostly they have provided a strong sense of identity, self-awareness and grounding). I've also never felt so grounded/ contended before so is what I'm feeling actually a sense of security and it's throwing me off because I'm not used to it? How can this feeling co-exist with anxiety? Well, evidently it can.
7. At peace - despite it all, I feel contented. I believe things have a way of working out and I trust in God's hand on me as well as my guardians watching over me, my stars in the sky - Nanu, Dadima, Dadu, Baba, Noon and my most precious & bright Papa.
So far so good. Once energies allow a longer update I will recap life as it has gone by. Alrighty - back to the ups and downs of our fav rollercoaster - life. Bye-o.
